Transfer

On Sunday morning, I laid in bed watching reruns of The Office and staring at my phone trying to psyche myself up to call Dylan. I was terrified of where the conversation would go, so naturally I was postponing it as long as possible. 

"Hey," I said to Ash when I finally drug my hungover self out to the living room around 10:30. Spence had caught an early train back to Stamford for work.

"Mmmeph," Ash replied, curling herself further into a ball on the couch. 

I padded into the kitchen for water, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror we had hanging on the wall and grimacing. My hair was firmly knotted in the bun I had apparently thrown it up into before sleep and last night's smoky eye was now more of a raccoon eye.

"Want to go get breakfast?" I asked Ash, curling up on the other end of the couch. "I see omelettes and bloodys in my future." 

"Yes, but not until you make good on your word and call Dylan," she said, not removing her eyes from the TV, where Big was about to stand up Carrie on their wedding day.

"I'm calling him right now," I said, standing up and taking my water back into my room. Perching on the end of my bed, I scrolled through my favorites until I found his name. The photo I had assigned him was one of us the first weekend we had met down the shore, looking happy and sunkissed at Happy Hour right before we hooked up for the first time. My heart swelled at the memory, but I tried to squash it before hitting his name to dial.

He picked up after two rings.

"Hey sexy lady," I heard his chipper voice on the other end, and I knew he had been up for hours. 

"Hi," I replied, standing up and pacing the room. 

"How was your night?" 

"Fun, blurry.. haha," I replied, rolling my eyes at myself. I was nervous.

"I feel like I haven't talked to you in days," he said, pausing. "Look are you mad at me about the Kara thing? Because I told you, nothing happened. But you've just been so weird."

Apparently, we were skipping all small talk and diving right into this. I bit my lip, wishing more than anything I didn't have to have this conversation.

"I don't know," I said, flopping onto my bed. "It's just so.. weird. I mean this is like the fifth time you've had to make excuses for you and her."

"It's not an excuse," he said. 

"Look Dylan I'm just going to be honest. I really like you, obviously I do. But I don't know if it's the distance or the trust issues or what, but I just feel like I'm constantly second guessing where you are and who you're with. I mean this Kara bullshit has come up so many times in like two months," I took a deep breath, and then finally said what I had been holding in for so long. "I guess I just want an honest answer to something." 

"What? Anything," he said, sounding desperate. 

"Why are you doing this? With me? I'm two hours away and you're always with other girls." 

There was a pause.

"Dani, I like you.. a lot," he said, and my heart sank. It wasn't the heartfelt response that I needed. But before I could rebuttal, he spoke again. 

"Dani I have never been in love, okay? I've never said it. I always kind of thought that love was for poor deluded individuals, grasping at some idea not because they wanted it, but because movies basically told us we had to have it. Then, we met, and everything changed," he said. "God. I feel like an asshole even saying it, but that is how I feel. You're changing it for me."

I wanted to believe him and what he was saying, desperate for these words to be true and not just something that sounded pretty. 

"If that's true," I started "Then why do you constantly risk it all by doing stupid things like falling asleep with Kara?" 

I heard him sigh on the other end. "I don't know, I've thought about that. I think it's just that for so long I was used to being able to do whatever I wanted with no consequences. I never had anything to lose, until now."

I could feel the wall I had spent all week building slowly starting to come down. 

"This is why I wanted you to come here this weekend, so that I could tell you all of this in person," he said.

"I didn't know that," I replied. "But I'm glad you told me. There are consequences now though, I mean you can't keep flirting with girls like this and expect me to trust you."

"I know," he said. "And I won't, really I just wasn't even thinking."

"Okay," I replied, unsure of what else to say.

"So are we good?" he asked tentatively. 

"Yeah, we're good." I answered. 

"Great, because then I can tell you my exciting news," he said, his voice shaking off the serious tone he had been using.

"What's that?" I asked. Now that my nervousness over Dylan was gone, I was feeling the full effects of my hangover. I wanted to be excited for whatever he was about to tell me, but I also wanted to puke.

"Well I started inquiring at work about a possible transfer... to New York."