Game Plan

**One day left to vote Team Dylan v Team Nick! Not sure yet if it'll affect the story line, since I already have an idea of what is next. But it's great to see everyone's opinion!** 

Dylan's train was due in at 1 p.m., so I had texted Ash asking her to make herself scarce for a few hours. Not that she had even returned home from Trevor's anyway. It was now 1:05 and he would be arriving at my apartment any minute, depending on how in demand the cabs were outside Penn Station.

I tried to decide what props I would need to help fuel this serious conversation that Dylan (unexpectedly, the poor sap) and I were about to have. Cheese platter? Tea sandwiches? I wasn't even hungry, and I assumed that Dylan had probably grabbed a bite at 30th like he usually did. Instead, I paced the small apartment, trying to tame the butterflies in my stomach. What if this ended badly? What if he decided that this was too serious and wanted out? I surveyed my outfit in the mirror for the seventh time that hour. Boyfriend jeans, worn-in sweater that hung off one shoulder, loose curls and minimal makeup. I had chosen one of my least favorite tops just in case this ended badly. I had a habit of associating clothes with memories, and if this was a bad one I didn't want to have a hard time parting with what I'd been wearing. 

As I padded into the kitchen and opened the fridge again, my eyes landed on the half-empty (half-full?) bottle of Pinot. As I reached for it I reasoned with myself; just a glass to calm my nerves. While I watched the liquid pouring into a glass, I wondered for not the first time how many drinks per week constituted alcoholism. 

As I sipped the calm-inducing liquid, I mentally ran through my talking points. Was this really going somewhere, since we always seemed to fight? Did he really see a future with us? Why did I still not trust him? I forced these issues to the front of my mind, backing them with real incidences of when I had felt insecure, distrust and unsure. I was determined not to let my excitement at seeing him and my female anatomy do any of the talking until we had hashed out these issues. 

By the time the buzzer sounded a few minutes later, I had worked up to an emboldened version of myself that I wasn't even sure I recognized. I opened the door and gave him a stiff hug. 

"Hey gorgeous," he said, trying to pull me tighter. I resisted. 

Holding me at arms length, he gave me a confused expression. "What do I smell or something?" 

I returned his question with a weak smile. "I think we need to talk."

His face dropped, and I immediately regretted my first words. Quickly losing confidence at his dismayed expression, I tried to reword my thoughts. 

"I just mean, I have a few things on my mind I want to talk about.." I trailed. 

"Right now?" he asked. I admit, it did seem a little like an ambush. He was still standing in the doorway, bag slung over one shoulder and the brisk cold clinging to his body like an invisible cloud. 

"Yes," I nodded, leading him to the couch. 

"Do I at least get a kiss first?" he asked, in an effort to lighten the tense mood I had created. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek before settling back into the couch. 

"Okay so.. what's going on?" he asked, slinging his coat over the back of the couch and sitting down across from me. There was so much space between us, and I ached to close it. But I continued on with my preamble. 

"First off, I don't want you to think that this is about those transfer papers. Because it's not. I totally get why you turned that down," I began. He nodded slowly, still unsure where this was going. "But I just feel like.. it's been more than 5 months since we started hooking up, and I still don't trust you. And we never talk about the future. And I don't want you to move here right now - I mean, if you did it'd be great but it's not something I need- but I just want to know what you're thinking. About...us." 

He absorbed this, his poker face not giving away an ounce of what he thought. After an uncomfortable 30 seconds I was about to ramble more when he finally spoke.

"Dani..I've told you how I feel about you. And that I'm not the best at relationships. If I didn't want to be with you or didn't see a future with us, I wouldn't be with you." 

"I know but I just always feel like you're so distant. And the fact that Kara still says stuff--"

"This is about Kara again?" he interrupted. "I don't know how many times I can tell you that there is nothing going on there. Nothing." 

I couldn't help but notice he didn't look me in the eyes as he said this. 

"Plus, you're out hanging out with your ex-boyfriend all of the time and I never say a word!" he was raising his voice now. "I mean you had dinner with him last night, jesus. You didn't even call me like I'd asked, and when I called you I got no answer. But I trust you, so I brushed it off. Yet here I am, after a two hour train ride, and you immediately start accusing me of being untrustworthy? I mean come on Danielle." 

His words stung, and for a moment I didn't speak. I had always assumed I was the injured party in this relationship, but he had a point. 

"Nick is just.. complicated. He's a part of my life. But I'd never let anything happen with him," I said, trying to believe my own words. 

"This isn't about Nick or Kara," I continued. "I just want to know about us. If you're really in this, or if it's just how you're passing the time."

"I could ask you the same thing," he said. 

I felt exhausted already, this conversation was not going the way I had hoped. 

"Every time we hang out, it's great. We have fun. But we never talk about anything," I said.

"What do you want to talk about?" 

"Us! A future. Anything." 

"You said this isn't about those transfer papers, but it kind of seems like it is," he said softly.

I shrugged.

"You're the one who is from Philly, don't you ever think about coming back? I mean, it is your hometown." 

"I know.. but the jobs I want, the career I want, is easier to get in New York. And you're in finance.. there's an entire district dedicated to that here!" I said in a meek attempt to make a joke. 

"Dani.. like you said, it's only been 5 months. I like you a lot. I love spending time with you. If you need some sort of grand commitment right now.. I can't offer you that. All I can tell you is I like how things are going."

"Me too," I said, feeling like we had accomplished nothing. 

"How about this," he said, reaching for my hand. "Let's enjoy this weekend. Then, take some time to think about what you really want from me. Because honestly, I don't even think you know. And I'll do the same."

"Okay," I said to him. Thankful that he had proposed a game plan. 

"And I'll still see you the weekend after Thanksgiving, and we can talk more then." 

I nodded, and finally allowed myself to crawl into his lap. Feeling safe, I exhaled and allowed his strong arms to wrap around me. I couldn't explain why but at that moment, I had a distinct feeling that I was losing something.