Defining Moments

I was supposed to meet Bray for drinks on Tuesday, but he cancelled on me last minute claiming he was sick. I was hesitant to believe him (all men are liars! Hos before bros!) but he immediately asked me to brunch on Sunday to make up for it. I was skeptical, but I accepted anyway. I’ll give anyone the benefit of the doubt at least once.

I had been hoping my date with Bray would give me the confidence boost I needed for meeting Nick Thursday, but instead I took advantage of Tuesday’s warm (60 degrees people!) weather and went for a long run in Central Park. It was glorious to get outside for the first time in months and I could almost taste spring in the air. By the time I got back to my apartment and showered, my spirits were so I high I could barely even worry about my impending date in a mere 48 hours.

Wednesday morning I got to work an hour early in an attempt to make up for how distracted I had been all week. My mind kept wandering off at every opportunity and I was about one late assignment away from a serious butt kicking. I booted up my computer and began the long process of reading through my emails, flagging ones that needed attention right away and sending quick replies to the ones that warranted it. It was already 8:30 by the time I reached the most recent email. I was excited to see it was from one of my college friends, Kristen. Her and I became close during our semester abroad together in Spain, and grabbed drinks together every few months in the city.

Hey lady! Long time no see, I believe a date is in order asap. Anyway, the real reason I’m emailing is there’s an opening in my company that I think you’d be perfect for. Can’t go into details now, but give me a call after work okay? Miss you! xoxo

I have to admit, I was intrigued. Kristen had been working for Blast, a public relations and event production firm ever since we graduated. She was constantly instagramming photos of amazing events, albeit they often appeared on Friday and Saturday nights. I shot back a reply immediately, obvi to show how organized and reliable I am. Two hours to reply to an email? Never! (Always).

Hey stranger! I know, it’s been too long. But I will definitely call you tonight, I usually get done around six. Talk to you then :)

I went to her company’s website and checked out the “careers” page. There was nothing but an IT position listed, so whatever she was talking about must be strictly word of mouth. As I was skimming the website to learn more about the company, I heard the ding of the elevator as people started arriving for the workday. I closed out of Blast’s website and started prepping for my 10 a.m. meeting. It was going to be a long day.

As soon as my heels hit the pavement outside the Hearst building that night, I was dialing Kristen’s number. I had spent two full meetings daydreaming about a new job, not realizing how ready I was to jump ship until now. Platform had been a great starting point for my career, but I was certain I didn’t want to be in magazine publishing. The phone rang and rang and rang some more before I heard Kristen’s pre-recorded voice on the other end, notifying me that she could not come to the phone right now. Frustrated, I left a short message letting her know I had called. It started to rain, so I dropped my iPhone safely back into my bag, pulled the hood on my coat up and hustled home.

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I was so anxious all day Thursday, that I didn’t even need a morning coffee to get me wide-eyed and bushy tailed (bright-eyed? big-eyed?). I jumped every time someone came up behind me, to the point where I’m pretty sure they all expect me of embezzling or something, I was so on edge. At lunch, Elena looked at me like I was an alien when I opted for just a side salad at our favorite sushi place.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked, mock-concerningly putting her hand to my forehead.

“Yeah," I sighed. "I’m just so anxious about tonight I can barely eat,” I said as she gave me a mildly-pathetic look. “I know! So lame but I can’t control it. He still does this to me!” I cried out defensively. Elena grabbed an eel roll and steaming bowl of edamame that we usually split and we made our way to a corner table.

“It’ll be fine. Just hear him out and by no means kiss him. I don’t care if he chokes on a bar nut and needs CPR. Your lips better stay a minimum 36 inches from his at all times,” she said sternly.

I laughed “Yes ma’am!”.

Our Thursday staff meeting ran late and by the time I got home that night it was almost 7:30. I stared at my closet willing an outfit to suddenly assemble itself that screamed “I totally just threw this on because I’m too busy to care, but I look stop-in-your-tracks hot except you can’t have me anymore, but thanks for trying!” Come to think of it, I’m going to propose that H&M create an entire section on their website for this style. After ten minutes of hopelessly tossing miscellaneous garments around, I decided to focus on my hair and face first.

I sat down at my makeshift vanity and assessed the day’s damage. I had long brown hair that was naturally wavy, which I accentuated with a curling iron every morning so that it fell in long, loose waves. I never wore much makeup during the week, so I didn’t want Nick to think I was trying for him if I put on eyeliner. I stuck with bronzer, blush, mascara and a hint of highlighter on my cheekbones. After another dispute with my closet I finally settled on dark jeans, a fitted and slightly worn white v-neck tshirt, booties and a few bangles. It was only 8:15 by the time I had finished getting ready so I decided to pour myself a glass of wine to calm my nerves.

At 8:32 I stepped out of my building and walked the two blocks to Brickyard. I pulled open the door with sweaty palms and scanned the room, shrugging off my coat. I spotted Nick seated at the bar with two beers in front of him, one half gone. Suddenly a ball formed in my throat, making me feel like I was about to throw up. I took a deep breath, walked over and silently sat down.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. “I ordered you a Stella.” Ordering me my favorite beer to show you still remember doesn't gain you any points, sir!

He was still in his work clothes, sporting a blue button down and slacks (work pants? khakis? I literally don’t know the appropriate name for men’s clothes). I looked away, my heart hammering so loudly I could hear it in my ears.

“Thanks,” I said probably a little too shortly.

“How’s work been?” he asked while reaching for another sip of his beer. I caught my gaze lingering on his hands, the ones that I used to be able to grab whenever I felt like it.

“It’s good, the same. Yours?” Nick worked for KPMG and did something with money and credit.

“Good, really busy. I just got a promotion about a month ago so I’ve been working my ass off.”

“That’s great, I know you were working really hard towards that,” I replied, meaning it. He had been working himself to the bone towards the end of our relationship. The next twenty minutes passed in polite conversation, touching on our families, friends and eventually the weather. Once we got to this mundane topic, I was pretty much fed up. Why did you ask me here if you just wanted to discuss the precipitation levels?

“Want another?” he asked, noticing my empty glass. He was already well into his third beer.

“Actually, I think I’m going to head out,” I said, reaching for my coat. “But thanks for the drink I --”

“Wait, Dani,” he interrupted as his gaze fell to the floor. “Look I’m upset about everything that happened with us. I just felt like.. I don’t know. I was in a new city and I wasn’t experiencing it. We were always together. I just kind of freaked out I guess..” his voice trailed off and he lifted his gaze to look me in the eyes.

“Whew!" I began, rolling my eyes. "Thank god you came here to reiterate your breakup speech! I was honestly almost forgetting some of the specific wording you used, so it's so great that you came here to repeat it.” Okay, probably a little too passive aggressive but this was bullshit.

“That’s not it at all," he started fumbling for words, something I rarely saw him do. "I don’t even know what I wanted to say to you tonight,” he said, reaching for my arm. I was now standing next to his bar stool prepared to walk out. “I thought about it all week, but all I can say is how much I miss you. And how running into you on the street the other day.. I had been walking through your neighborhood a lot lately on the way home, hoping to run into you.” I stared blankly back at him, unsure if I should accuse him of stalking or laugh at him. Neither seemed appropriate, so I kept my mouth shut.

“Can we be friends at least?" he continued. "I’m not ready for a girlfriend, but I want to start seeing you again. You were one of my best friends and everything else aside, I really miss that." I had to agree, I missed him as a friend. But I wasn’t about to let him call all of the shots.

“I miss you too Nick, obviously I do. But you can’t just send flowers and buy me a beer and think I’ll fall back into your lap. This is a new city for me too, it’s not like I don’t want to experience it,” I put air quotes around those last two words, hoping to take a jab at his breakup line. “But if you don’t know what you want, then this will be a mess. I really don’t know what you were expecting from me.” I shrugged my arm out from under his grip and turned away. I glued my gaze on the door, walking towards it and willing myself to not look back. When I pushed out onto the street, I could feel the tears forming at the back of my eyes and begged them to stay there until I reached my apartment.

As I turned the block onto my street, I was ashamed to admit I had been listening, hoping to hear his footsteps chasing after me.

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Ed note: I’m so overwhelmed with the stats on this blog! I can’t believe how many views it has gained over the past week. I am extremely excited about how many of you are coming here to read about Dani! I have a lot planned for her, so please keep checking back Wednesdays and Fridays - and occasionally a bonus post or two during the off days. And please, continue to leave comments about what you like and don’t like about Dani and her friends. You’ll be meeting a lot more characters in the coming weeks :) xoxo