One Door Closes

 

On Saturday morning, I woke up with an emotional hangover. Of course I had slept with Dylan - I am only human afterall - and it had been just as incredible as it had always been. But now, with him sleeping quietly next to me, I had flashbacks to how many times I thought about Nick during said incredible sex. 

I slowly slid out of bed and padded into the bathroom, where I did a swig if listerine, brushed my hair, and ok, curled my eyelashes. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I came back into my bedroom with a cup full of ice water for Dylan, setting it on his side of the bed. As I slunk back under the sheets, he stirred, giving me a bleary-eyed smile. 

"Good morning," he said, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me toward him. 

"Good morning," I said back, smiling. "I got you refreshments," I said, gesturing toward the water. 

"Saint," he replied, eagerly chugging it. 

"How'd you sleep?" I asked him, snuggling into him. 

"Amazing. I missed this bed." 

"Just the bed?" I asked with a grin. 

"Mostly the accessories the bed comes with," he wiggled his eyebrows in an embarrassing move, but then we were officially done talking. 

Later that morning, after he whipped up an impressive omelette using the meager contents of mine and Ashley's serious neglect at grocery shopping, we decided to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge. I had done it countless times, but it always it felt magical. With the early Fall light bathing the city in a golden glow and tourists gawking at the skyline mixed in with NYC natives going on their morning jog, it was always the best view of the city and people watching alike. 

When we got to the other side, we decided to stop at Shake Shack for lunch. Over a split order of the Chick'n Shack and cheese fries, we sat in companionable silence, which did nothing good for letting my mind wander. 

Nick is still in the city 

I glanced over at Dylan. Gorgeous, kind, amazing Dylan. But there was a reason this didn't work the first time, and nothing had changed. Even this morning everything felt heavy, and I sensed he felt the same way that I did - this was fun, it was comfortable. But this wasn't worth going to bat for, dragging it out again long distance, juggling trust issues, and then even if it did work facing the inevitable decision of someone moving cities and uprooting their entire life. 

This wasn't it. 

We finished lunch, bantering as usual and play-fighting over the last french fry. We decided to make the trek back home via the bridge again to burn off all of the fried food. As we approached my apartment, I turned to Dylan and I knew he could see it on my face. 

"This was great..." I trailed off, trying to tell my lady parts to not take over the situation and invite him inside. 

"It was, D," he said, tucking a stray hair behind my ear that had been pulled out of my low bun by the windy bridge walk. 

"I know you're a guy and therefore not even remotely looking for some kind of DTR," I said with a small laugh. 

"DTR?" he asked, smiling back. 

"Define the relationship," I provided. 

"Oh," he said, now looking just as uncomfortable as I would expect any dude to after having sex with their ex. 

"Don't freak out," I said, laughing again to add lightness. "I just wanted to say... I don't expect anything here. At all. It's fun, but I am in a crazy confused place, and I just... I am not going to get needy about this. We can go back to our regularly scheduled lives." 

"Okay..." he said, looking confused. "I mean I wasn't about to propose or anything, but I did think maybe if you were up for it, we could explore this again." 

I took a deep breath, and tried to avert my eyes because I knew if I lingered too long, his gorgeousness would sway me. 

"If you lived here, or I lived there, I would say yes in a heartbeat. But I can't go through what we did before just to end up in the same place." 

He sat on that for a beat. "I get it," he finally offered. 

I gave him a huge hug, and a long, Nicholas Sparks movie-worthy kiss. Because in my mind, this was the scene in a movie where the two star-crossed lovers just don't make it. (OK also I just had been listening to way too much Taylor Swift lately.) 

He followed me into my apartment to grab his phone which he had left charging on my dresser while we went to lunch. As he walked by me to leave, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I might not live in Philly forever, you know," he said, squeezing my arm as he walked out. 

As I heard the door close, I expected to feel an ache. But instead, I started to feel like I had finally made a decision to remove myself from the limbo that had been Dylan for the last year. 

With a deep breath, I picked up the phone and decided to answer Nick's text from the night before. 

What are you doing tonight? 

 

Miss You More

 

I nearly choked on my drink at the sight of them. Hadn't I just told Ash where we were with the explicit purpose of her avoiding my location?!

Ashley came up to us, sporting slight Bambi legs and very apologetic eyes. "I'm so sorry," she hiss-whispered to us. "I let it slip you were here and then Nick took control of the group." 

My stomach dropped. Was I in some sort of flashback episode of The O.C.? I took a deep breath. 

"It's fine," I said shortly, trying to avoid any sort of freakout. Ash then turned to Dylan and gave him a huge hug. 

"Hey stranger!" she said enthusiastically. The two of them began the usual small talk that accompanies seeing a long-lost friend. While they were occupied, I figured I better bite the bullet. Sliding gracelessly off of my stool, I headed over to where Nick was chatting with Trevor. 

His gorgeous eyes landed on mine, the same eyes that had enraptured the entire country on their screens. 

"Hi," he said with a slow smile, not even hiding his eyes sliding up and down my body. Thank you, universe, for at least making this reunion happen when I had really good hair.

"Hello," I said back. This was riveting conversation. Trevor quickly read the situation and politely excused himself, with a quick squeeze of my shoulder as he wandered off. 

"You look great," he said. I returned the sentiment, then we sat there in awkward silence for a solid 20 seconds. 

"So, is that the ex?" he asked, nodding his head toward Dylan. 

"Yeah, he's in town for a work thing," I replied awkwardly. When he didn't respond I offered "Do you want an introduction?" 

He gave me a look. "You're right, that's weird," I followed up, peppering the response with nervous laughter. 

"Well I'm just a little upset, I thought maybe I'd be the lucky one taking you home tonight," he boldly said. 

Now it was my turn to give him a look. We both laughed, but I could feel the tingling down low telling me everything I needed to know about who I wanted to go home with. Ugh. 

"Well, see, I typically don't go home with guys who ignore my texts," I said, emboldened by his own honesty. 

He flushed. "I actually... have a reason for that. I wasn't the one who initially read it." At my confused expression, he continued. "I was in the shower when you sent it the other day and someone else opened my phone. They deleted it, but told me about it a few days later." 

"Can you stop being so vague with 'they'?" I pressed. 

"Lacey," he responded, looking at his feet. Well, that stung. Two minutes into our reunion and we're already about to have our first fight. 

"So if Lacey is in the picture, why are you making comments about coming back to my apartment?" I demanded. 

"She's not in the picture at all, she was still at my apartment as the crew was wrapping up filming for the day, and I had to get ready for something that evening," he responded. "She's... upset with me and when I told her I was coming to New York for a few days she flipped and mentioned you, and the message. By that point I felt too weird texting you back. I'm sorry."

I absorbed this. "To be honest, I didn't need so much detail, but thanks," I said with a small laugh. 

He smiled back, offering nothing further. "Well," I started, "I should get back." I gestured to where Dylan was nursing his drink at the bar. "Good seeing you." 

As I walked away, I felt more emotions than I had in a while. I was walking away from my past...toward my past. My heart did a bang-up imitation of the Grinch's at the end of the movie - growing multiple sizes - everytime I saw Nick. And now I had to go act like I was totally fine and resume my date with Dylan. 

"Hey," I said with an apologetic smile as I returned to my original seat. Bless him, he didn't press me on anything. 

"Hey you, your drink was starting to get watered down." he smiled. 

"So, do you want to get out of here?" I asked, desperate to escape this suffocating situation. 

"Always," he replied. 

As Dylan settled up with the bartender, I snuck a glance over at Nick. The group had settled into a booth in the corner and were laughing at something Trevor was saying. I caught Ash's eye as we headed out the door, giving her a small wave. 

On the walk home, Dylan took my hand in his. 

"Thanks for being so cool back there," I said to him, keeping my eyes trained ahead on 12th. 

"The amount of times you had to deal with Kara? No problem," he said, aiming for lightness. 

We got back to my place and as I hung my bag up on the hook, I noticed my phone lighting up inside. I pulled it out, intending to silence it in order to rid my brain of all thoughts except Dylan and his waiting abs. 

I miss you more 

It was from Nick.

Emotional Ping Pong

 

When Friday rolled around, work was unusually quiet. This did nothing to help calm my nerves about what was to come in roughly 12 hours. 

I had plans to meet Dylan for drinks that night after his work dinner, but the thought of also potentially seeing Nick plagued me with equal parts dread and nervous anticipation. How was it that I continued to find myself in a weird ping-pong between Dylan and Nick, even when I haven't been able to call either of them mine in so many months. 

After Ash had told me on Wednesday that Nick was coming, I'd laid in bed contemplating if I should text him or not. Emboldened by the wine I had drank, I opened up a text to him. The last words were the "I miss you" text I had sent so many days ago, that still remained unanswered. Not wanting to risk being ignored again, I closed out of the message and had gone to sleep. 

As the work day dragged on, I busied myself putting together a new paid social plan for our upcoming home decor launch. At the very least, I would get brownie points with my boss for getting a jumpstart on something that wasn't due for a few weeks. 

When the clock miraculously showed 5:30 p.m., I packed up my things eager to get to drybar before my 6:00 appointment. I waved goodbye to Emma and hustled out, trying not to feel guilty for leaving so early when most of my team was still typing away on their Macs. 

The air was still relatively warm for October, so I walked the mile to the salon. After showing my stylist photos of the look I was after (soft waves, nothing trying too hard - I didn't want Dylan noticing I had put in that much effort), I relaxed into the heavenly head massage that accompanied the shampoo job. 

When I got home, glossy-haired and carrying takeout sushi for me and Ash to split, I was disappointed to see the apartment still dark. I glanced at the clock on my phone - it was past 7:30, where was she? I shot her a quick text and put the sushi in the fridge. 

Where are you? I brought your favorite sushi home to bribe you to talk me down when I inevitably have a panic attack later before seeing Dylan. 

Her reply came instantly after. 

Sorry! Out with a few people, might not be back until later. Good luck though! xo

Her vague reference to "a few people" alerted me to the fact that she was almost certainly with Nick. Ignoring the hammering in my chest at the thought of him potentially just a few blocks away, I sat down to enjoy the salmon and avocado roll, sweet potato roll and edamame solo. 

After dinner, I spent the next hour getting ready so that I'd be able to leave as soon as Dylan wrapped up dinner. I wrestled with my closet, settling on a black sleeveless bodysuit, jeans and heels. I layered on a few gold necklaces, and left my recently-done hair long and loose. To pass the time, I poured myself a glass of wine and decided to text Ash for a few more details. Sitting at home alone was doing nothing good for my anxiety. 

So, does "a few people" include Nick? I'm bored waiting for Dylan to finish dinner. 

I felt a little desperate texting my own best friend asking to be invited, but she quickly responded.

It does... he asked where you were, I said work. I figured you wouldn't want to see him, but if you are up for it, come meet us! We're at Up & Up! 

I sat on the idea for the second half of my glass of wine. Did I really want to subject myself to two exes in one night? As much as the more self-destructive half of me wanted to see Nick, hug him, know he was still the Nick I knew and loved - instead of the one the country did - I knew it was a bad move. 

I think i'll keep my self-destructive behaviors to a minimum tonight, but thank you. Have fun! 

I place my phone back down on the kitchen counter with a sigh. After twenty more minutes of Instagram scrolling, pacing, and fixing my already fine makeup, my phone finally lit up with a text from Dylan. 

Hey you, dinner is winding down. We're actually near your place, let me know where you want to meet.

Is it wrong that my first thought was to invite him over? I nearly began typing it, but deleted the offer knowing exactly where it would lead. 

Ok, meet me at Hudson Hound in 20? 

I scrambled back into my room to grab a jacket and one last coat of lip stain. Grabbing my newest splurge, a Gucci shoulder bag that was a month's rent (I reasoned it would last me for years and years), I stepped out into the cooling night air. 

As I approached the bar, my hands were shaking - a telltale sign that Dylan was nearby. I swung open the door and spotted him instantly. He was still in work clothes, his shirt unbuttoned slightly and his hair less perfect than it had been that morning. He looked like if Noah Centieno had decided corporate America was more his thing than acting. Just then, his gaze moved from his phone to the door, and he broke out into the most melt-your-knees smile. He enveloped me in a hug, kissing the top of my head. 

"Hey you." 

"Hi," I replied weakly with a small smile. The chemistry was still there, even in such a short exchange. 

We settled into stools next to each other at the bar and ordered our drinks. I swiveled to face him, my knees knocking clumsily into his. 

"How was your work dinner?" I asked, taking an appreciative sip of my vodka tonic. 

"The usual, schmoozing clients, boss showing off by ordering the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu, lots of small talk." 

"Sounds riveting," I said with a smile. 

"Oh yes, but it was worth sitting through to see you," he said. Wow, we're just really putting it all out there, aren't we?

I wasn't sure what to say back, so I smiled and took a sip of my drink. The next hour passed with us catching up on everything - mutual friends, work, and his recent vacation to Montana. 

"I have always wanted to go there and stay on a dude ranch," I said wistfully. 

"Well, lucky for you I am now basically a Montananian so I can show you around." he winked. 

"That's literally not even a word," I said with a laugh. 

We ordered another round, and as I was mentally weighing whether or not I wanted to invite him home with me, the sound of my phone ringing cut through my thoughts. 

"Sorry," I said, reaching into my bag to stop the noise. I noticed it was Ashley and gave Dylan an apologetic look. 

"Hey," I said into the iPhone. 

"Heyyyy," Ashley's voice came, clearly laced with alcohol. "Listen we're kind of bar hopping so I wanted to see where you are so we can avoid." Awkward.

"Uh, okay, we're at Hudson Hound," I replied, giving Dylan a small smile. 

"Okay! Be good! Bye!" she said, and the line went dead. 

"Sorry," I said again to Dylan. "Ashley is a little drunk." 

He laughed "Some things never change. Is she coming here?"

"No, I think she's bar hopping and was just curious." I heard myself lie. 

He nodded, just as the bartender deposited two fresh drinks in front of us. 

"So when do you go back to Philly?" I asked, sipping the new drink. I could feel my insides warming, and I scooted ever so slightly closer to Dylan. If he minded, he certainly didn't show it. 

"Sunday afternoon, we have another dinner tomorrow night, then a breakfast Sunday." 

"That's a lot of schmoozing," I replied. 

"Tell me about it. I'm free most of the day tomorrow though," he said suggestively. 

"Oh are you now?" I replied with a smirk. 

"Yes, plenty of time to sleep in..." he trailed off. I punched him in the shoulder, but instantly knew that he was going to end up in my bed. 

Suddenly, my imperfect thoughts were interrupted by the loud noise of drunk people stumbling in the front door of the bar. I turned on my stool, only to see Ashley, Trevor, a few people I didn't recognize and then... Nick. 

Hello, it's me.

*** I just binge-read my old posts and miss this so much. If anyone is still out there and subscribed, comment below! And if you need a fun plan for the weekend, might I suggest binge-reading from 2014?***

November 23

See you then :)

Been MIA...

But if I start to write again... will you all come back?

<3 

An Ordinary Wednesday

It started off as an ordinary Wednesday. 

Work had been hectic, but I'd be fortunate enough to escape by 7:00. The crazy, stressful days were always my least favorite as they were happening. At Platform, I was used to turning to my peers to hash out problem solving when it was needed. But at Arabella if there was a problem, I was finding more and more that people would turn to me for the solution. I never wanted to run to my boss for help so I was constantly finding myself pulling my own hair out over a solution. Alas, once it was resolved I always found myself feeling giddy and proud, a fulfilling day. That is the biggest difference between Arabella and Platform - the sense of fulfillment and challenge I felt each day. I loved it.

Yet even though I loved it, it didn't stop me from grabbing a bottle of wine on the way home. 

As I unlocked the door to my apartment, I was overjoyed to find Ash in the kitchen stirring something that smelled heavenly. 

"Hey!" I greeted her, dropping my gym bag from the morning on the floor of the living room.

"Hello hello!" she replied, reaching for a spice and adding it to the pot.

"What are you making?"

"Stuffed Pepper Soup," she replied, adding a hefty amount of hot sauce.

"Yum," I said, peering into the reddish-brown, bubbling soup. 

"I have rice on too to put it over, it's kind of thick. But I made enough for an army so I hope you're hungry!"

"Always," I replied, placing the wine on the counter. "I brought the beverage."

She rolled her eyes. "We have like, ten bottles over there," she laughed, tilting her head toward our full wine rack.

"Yes," I said, reaching for the wine opener and getting to work. "But this is my favorite." 

"Is there a celebration?" she asked, raising her eyebrows skeptically at me.

"No," I replied, keeping my eyes fixated on the wine.

"What did you do," Ash asked, knowing me all too well.

"Nothing!" I defended.

"Oh my god did you... that married guy?! DANIELLE."

"No! Jesus!" I nearly yelled. "First off, I'm no home wrecker. Secondly, I met his wife remember? I won't go there. Thirdly, you'd have known the second it happened." 

"Then what?"

"Why do you assume it's something with men? Maybe I got a promotion?"

"That would be a promotion world record."

"Rude," I said, although I was smiling. "No, I just had a long day."

"And?"

I let out a deep breath. She knew me too well. "Okay. And... Dylan is coming to town this weekend."

She dropped the wooden spoon she'd been holding dramatically to the counter.

"Excuse me?"

I didn't answer.

"Dani!" she followed up.

"I didn't invite him! He's coming for work. But after that Philly weekend I don't know... I'm kind of excited."

She let this sit for a while. She had never made a firm standpoint on Dylan, but I doubted she wanted me to actually get back together with him. "Okay," she said, after a solid 30 seconds.

"Okay, what?" 

"Okay... I mean, okay. You didn't invite him, but obviously you want to see him which is normal."

"Yes," I said.  

"But, maybe it's not the best timing," she said quietly, not meeting my eye.

"...Why?" I asked, drawing out my response.

"Well, you see, someone - a mutual friend of ours - let me know they were going to be in town this weekend," her eyes remained fixated on the soup.

"Who?" I knew the answer, there is no other reason she'd act this weird. My stomach began its slow decent to my feet.

"Nick," she said. "He's home for a few days starting tomorrow."

"Why are you just telling me now?" I demanded, feeling my nervousness be replaced by a slow anger at my best friend.

"I just found out last night! And I didn't want to just text you." 

"Why didn't he tell me?" I said, raising my voice again. "I've texted him and he's ignored me!"

"I don't know!" she said. "I'm sorry, look, I know he wants you to know. Maybe he just felt weird since you two haven't talked in a while." 

I was fuming. I knew I was actually mad at Nick but Ashley was the one standing in front of me, much easier to take my anger out on. "Well you can see Nick, I already made plans with Dylan."

I stood up, taking my glass of wine and sitting down defiantly at the couch. I turned on a Modern Family marathon and tried my hardest to ignore Ash.

"Do you not want dinner then?" She asked me a few minutes later, an amused tone hovering behind her voice. 

"Nope," I said, taking a long sip of the wine. "I'm satisfied with my grapes."

I heard her sit down at the kitchen island to eat dinner, and turned my attention to my phone. 

Can't wait to see you I texted to Dylan. The mixture of Nick's impending presence and wine making me bold.

Me neither - it'll be like old times. 

Your call

Hi there,

I can totally get your frustration with there being no post last Friday. However, I'm not sure how that justifies a few of the ridiculously out of line comments that were left.

This is done in my personal time, for free. I didn't post Friday because I didn't want to half-ass it, and I was bone tired after a really long week. I have a great idea of where I want Dani's story to go, but I don't want to get berated when my own life gets in the way of an update. I don't want to post something just because I have to, I only want to post it when it's good.

You guys were used to depending on me that first year because my job was way less demanding, and I had more time to focus on this blog. Now, my job is a huge focus of mine, and I don't have as much time to devote to this blog. That doesn't mean I want or intend to stop posting though. If you'll stick with me, and read when I post (which I can promise will be regular, but maybe not every week at the same time for now), then I want to stick with it too. 

Your call.